Walking through downtown D.C., he looked slightly unusual, but no one paid him much attention. He was wearing something that looked like sunglasses, had ears that looked like headphones without a cord attached to them, and was holding a very pinched expression, though that was possibly due to the fact that his nose and lips were quite skinny. He was also wearing a gold circle on a necklace on top of a synthetic leather jacket, long, elastic, athletic warm-up pants, and flip-flops that advertised themselves as being from Tampa, Florida.
His partner, on the other hand, who looked very much like a normal twenty-something blonde in the summer, with appropriate attire (or lack thereof), would have been embarrassed to be seen with him, were she not so focused on her mission, and were she, well, human.
“Amusing, this planet. Very amusing,” said Torky.
“Yes, yes, you’ve said that a million times already! I get the point,” snapped back Tracilna.
“Take that hyperbolic expression you just used, I assume, to try to disguise your real identity and blend in with the humans here: entirely unnecessary, to the point that it amuses me.”
“Well, that’s how they talk here, and I, as someone who believes she can accomplish this mission following protocol, will continue to talk like that, even if I have to duct-tape your mouth to keep you from laughing.”
“Duct-tape? Is that some sort of inhumane torture device that their government uses to condemn political prisoners?”
“If you had read your background research like you were supposed to, you would know that duct tape is an all-purpose synthetic, er, fake, material that is adhesive—I mean, sticky—dangti! This teen slang is harder to get used to than I thought, so imprecise!”
“I believe the translated version of what you were trying to say would be thus: ‘Duct tape is some sticky stuff that they use for, like, everything.’ Furthermore, the proper pronunciation for the exclamatory word that you were trying to say is actually ‘dangit,’ assumably a watered-down version of the phrase, ‘dammit’, which, roughly translated, means to send an inanimate object to something they refer to as ‘hell,’ something of a fiery pit of torture that is a form of after-life reserved for those who acted immorally, although it is entirely unclear in popular culture exactly how it is decided whether one goes to this hell, or to the other option, ‘heaven,’ which is, of course, eternal paradise and bliss.”
“So you did do your research! Why were you pretending to be so ignorant, then?”
“Just trying to, like, fit in with the rest of the world, man.”
“Poorly. And by the by, I am still considered a female on this planet, you know, as much as I hate to be associated with this group that call themselves ‘women.’”
“Ahem. Yes, well, the word ‘man’ is not so much a reference to the person to whom one is speaking as it is a way to complete a sentence, as the last word of a statement is apparently not fitting enough. Oh, and ‘by the by’ is an English phrase, not an American one, if you’re trying to fit in so hard, although it is conceivable that since we are in the nation’s capital . . . ”
“I see. Well, can we get on with the mission, then, woman?”
“No, no, it doesn’t work that way—one does not—”
“It was a joke! You know what those are?”
“This entire planet aside, yes, I know the meaning of the word ‘joke’ in its normal context.”
“Okay, then, funny man, may we resume our task?”
“Why are you asking me? Oh, yes, I see, another conversational paradox: you are not literally—well, er, yes, we may.”
“Good,” Tracilna sighed.
“So, what is that we’re here to do again?”
“Save this planet from utter ecological disaster.”
“How amusing,” said Torky.
TO BE CONTINUED . . .
