What are you doing!? I told you not to.

. . . ah, reverse psychology.


Ahem. Random tidbit from the personal life of the Blue Square: Awards ceremonies are boring, especially when said awards ceremonies are in a hot auditorium with too many graduating seniors, "half of whom I don't know half as well as I should like, and less than half of whom I like half as well as they deserve."

Ah, this is why I love blogs. I get to shout out at the world, even if no one is listening, and I can plagiarize J.R.R. Tolkien and get away with it!

Speaking of no one listening, my average daily visits have gone down from 51 to 25 over the last couple days, and the total hits for today is 13. Hey! Stop throwing those rotten tomatoes at me! What if I like talking about my pathetic blog traffic? It's better than going back to talking about imaginary readers (Tenet 9) again!

Oh, and my poll on the right-hand side there has gotten an incredible 16 votes. Exactly half of them (heh) say they're imaginary readers who actually like me. Yay!

Furthermore, some of the referrals have, I've noticed, been coming from Google searches for "the blue square blog" or something to that effect, and I've even gotten some "unknown" referrals, which hypothetically means people are actually -- get this -- typing in my URL by themselves without having anyone link to me. Amazing!

To all of my 2.56 consistent readers out there, I appreciate you more than you will ever know. Especially you, that .56 of a person that I just made up out of my head. I know it's tough to read my blog with only 56% of a brain (or perhaps you just lost most of your legs), but your efforts to do so daily when you don't even exist outside of my head inspire me.

So, now you see why I told you not to read this post. I would say good night, but it's not even 11 p.m.! Whom am I kidding?

P.S. In the vein of academia, I've always wondered: why is that they have liberal arts at all these universities, but nobody has conservative arts? Huh!? Huh!?! I'm angry about this one.

Welcome to yet another "Moment in the Life of . . . Me!" which consists simply of me showing you a random picture from my life and helpfully labelling it so you know what to think about said picture. All pictures are taken shoddily with the 1.2 MP camera on my Zire 72 PDA, and all helpful labelling on the latest and greatest version of . . . MS Paint.

Because the computers at school are weird, go here to view the picture.

It used to be that you could sell all your junk from the attic at flee markets or something for a good amount of money. Then came eBay, eliminating the need to actually go the flea market. And now, it appears, you don't even need the original junk from the attic anymore:

I WILL POST 10 MYSPACE BULLETINS OF YOUR CHOICE FOR OVER 10,000 PEOPLE TO SEE. THIS IS GREAT FOR ADVERTISING OR TO GAIN FRIENDS. WINNING BIDDER GETS MY CONTACT INFO FOR MYSPACE POSTING. SHIPPING AND HANDLING IS FREE!

I don't know if the link will work, but I found this here. The winning bidder got this for an incredible $2.50. But better yet, shipping and handling was free! It's a good thing, too, because someone might not have been willing to pay for all that shipping and handling money that it costs to e-mail contact information and to post MySpace bulletins.

The underlying problem with liberals nowadays is that they're too stupid to recognize phrases beyond one word. They know what phrases like "peace," "love," "racism," "conservative," and "tolerance" mean, sure. These are liberal buzzwords that they use often.

But try to explain to them the meaning of a "free market" or "Evil Empire," and you've lost them. Say "compassionate conservatism" and they have a confused look on their face, but mention "reverse racism" and they quickly change their mood from confusion to absolute shock. Talk about the problem of "moral relativism" or "naive liberalism" and they go nuts; they've always thought they were "tolerant" and "moderate." Say you think Clinton's policies were "far fetched" and "disturbingly reckless," and they'll say no, they were "compassionate" and "empathizing."

When you try to counter that argument with a huge phrase like "the incalculable improbability of empathy or sympathy in a slyly acting greedy sleuth" like Bill Clinton, they'll start bawling because they simply don't understand. And that is what constitutes the problem with today's modern liberal: it's not that they are too "dumb" to debate your arguments, it's that they're too "convolutedly befuddled" to understand them.

It's true! Just go to this post, and scroll down to where he says he discussed "something about that" before. Click on the link, and notice the date -- 2006, more than three years after he wrote that post!

Now, this is just unfair. I wish I could do that, but I guess since I'm not quite as popular as he is, I'm just not cool enough to be able to do it or something. I wish he would tell me his secrets . . .

Ponder the nature of . . . the schlime.

Well, all these girls want to . . .

'tis rather short, I apologize . . .

In My World Fan-Fiction: "Of Congress and Cluebats"





A mysterious-looking, shrouded figure stood in a dark corner of an abandoned underground hangar, reading a large, unmarked, cobwebbed book to himself, laughing. "'10 Ways to Doom the World' . . . yes, yes, very nice. . . . oh, that is interesting - 'When Conservatives Turn Liberal: Methods of Vengeance and Tactful Elimination.'" On the spine, written in small-print Norse runes, were the words, "The Book Of Punditry, Volume 2: Practical Advice for the Neo-Con Mastermind Life."

The people running the Carnival of Comedy like those who submitted things to link to the post. It is a reasonable request, aye, but what with me planning the subjugation of the world and having to entertain you underling readers simultaneously, all while keeping up my aliases as a student, journalist, and referee, I didn't get to it until now.

In this, the amazing 56th week of humorous blogging fun, I was compared to William Hung. So was FIAR, though, and he realized that Wild Bill must have played a trick on us: all the funny posts are at the bottom! Amazing! I feel much funnier now.

Expect an IMW fan fiction up tomorrow.

Until then, be blue, squares.

I have for you here a skit involving the four basic elements that blah-grrs use most in their blahging recipes: Anger, Wisdom, Apathy, and monkey-faced liberalness. As you can see, the discussion quickly devolves into shameless boasting and personal insults, except for Apathy, who, as always, doesn't give a hoot.

Wisdom: What shall we discuss today, good sirs?

Monkey Faced Liberal: You know, it's really sexist of you, Wisdom, to call everyone "sirs" like that. For all you know, some of us could be female. You should get, like, 10 years in prison for that totally out of line comment.

Apathy: I don't care what we talk about. It doesn't matter. Whatever.

Anger: Grr! What's with you, man? You never care about anything! I will now smash your head in with large boulders!

Wisdom: Peace, my friends. Be calm in your soul, for only by slow, thoughtful, rational discussion can we achieve enlightenment and true knowledge.

Monkey Faced Liberal: You know, your "humor" just isn't funny. I will instead call it ignorant and hostile, for, since it is not liberal humor, you all are therefore ignorant. It's a direct correlation, and there's no escaping it. Hey look, guys! I said "direct correlation." I have to look, like, smart and stuff now.

Apathy: Whatever, dude.

Wisdom: Monkey Faced Liberal, your argument is not logical. While there is much room for proper discussion of the role of humor in the blogosphere and the limits that should be placed on it, your unfunny invective comments serve no purpose but to further anger the right.

Anger: What the $#^!, man! That's so much $&%! Get the %^* out of here, you #$^&'in pricks!

Apathy: yawn. I think I'll go blog about cats now.

Wisdom: I do not know why I am having such a discussion with you all here. It is obviously accomplishing nothing, and the path to true enlightenment most certainly leads elsewhere.

Monkey Faced Liberal: You guys are such idiots. I obviously know what I'm talking about, because I'm an open-minded individual who cares about peace, love, and pushing Jews into the sea.

Wisdom: I, as the only one here who knows anything about the proper use of language, will calmly note that there should be a hyphen between "monkey" and "faced" in your name, Monkey Faced Liberal, as it is a compound adjective.

Anger: Must . . . kill . . . grammar . . . nerd . . .

Wisdom: Impossible, my friend. I am merely an abstract concept as personified by a 21st-century would-be writer.

Anger: Oh, for crying out loud! There you go getting all philosophical on us again. I still have a few large boulders left over, you know!

Wisdom: . . .

Anger: Say something, for crying out loud!

Wisdom: Your comments leave me at a loss for words.

Apathy: You guys are boring.

Monkey Faced Liberal: Fascists.

Wisdom: Excuse me, Monkey Faced Liberal, please explain what you mean. I am unsure as to whom you are calling a fascist, and especially why you are asserting so.

Monkey Faced Liberal: I call everyone fascist. It's like, just how I roll, man.

Anger: Death to you all!

UPDATE:

Welcome to the very first episode of "Adventures of the Blue Square!"

Click here to read it all

Hey guys, I admit it, I go on MySpace occasionally. One of my friends sent me this really cool bulletin. Click the permalink below to view it.



Answer the following questions on a piece of paper and find out your true self! Don't look below or you'll ruin it!

1) What's your favorite letter?

2) Single, in a relationship, engaged, married, widowed, divorced, separated, or eunuch?

3) What's the third letter in the name of your second favorite country?

4) List the middle names of the seven most important people to you.

5) What band originally wrote the song you are listening to right now (or last listened to)?

6) In how many serious relationships have you been?

7) How long have you been on MySpace?

8) How many e-mail accounts do you have?

9) Do you have a business card?

10) With what celebrity do you most identify? Britney Spears, Jennifer Aniston, Brad Pitt, Madonna, Curt Russell, Amanda Tapping, George Bush, Jimmy Dean, or Willie Nelson?

Now wait...

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And now, to calculate your results. First, take answers 1-6, and
forget them, because they're irrelevant. Then for the second part of 8
and all of 9 and 10, delete those too. Then with 7 and the first part
of 8, they also do not matter. You must be wondering -- what part of
this quiz does matter, for crying out loud!?

Simple -- the fact that you took it.

Your personality type is:























SOMEONE-WHO-WASTES-TOO-MUCH-TIME-FILLING-OUT-STUPID-CRAP

. . . Actually, I just made this up. Obviously. I was noticing that a few of my referrals came from Google searches for "MySpace bulletins," so I figured I would make fun of Myspace bulletins some more. Those MySpace bulletins. Stupid things, they are.

What with Harvey's generous linking to IMAO fan fiction of late, and seeing as fmragtops may call it quits on his therapy for nightmare-laden bloggers everywhere, I thought I might contribute some of my own unprofessional psychiatric assistance to bloggers of a slightly different kind: those who lie awake at night, asking, "Why, why, God higher being somebody out there who cares, am I not as funny as Frank J.?"

Now, I know who you are, guys and girls, bloggers and blog readers. There's no escaping it. You may think you're funny, but Truth Laid Bear proves otherwise. The only way to deal with this, my friends, my fellow Frank J. wannabes, my patients, is not to join yet another blogroll, post IMAO fan fiction, go blogfishing, or, worse yet, read Humor for Dummies. That just proves that you are a dummy and will never be funny in the slightest. You must seek immediate psychiatric help. Seeing as you, most likely a right-wing fascist, are so "poor" from being "overtaxed" by the government in order to pay for those evil, scandalous, bloody, death-ridden illegal wars you and Bushhitlerburton support, you won't be able to pay for a real, licensed practitioner, unlike the nice little old lady across the street who gets her meds for next-to-nothing. (Buahaha. Ha ha. Ha.)

Mysteriously, though, you have the ability to pay for an Internet connection, and so, you're stuck with me, the blue square. Please post in the comments the exact details of your mental situation, such as how you heard about Frank J. and whether or not you, since having visited his blog, have lost all hope of being funny, ever. I will then give you some crackpot sound advice, sooner or later, when I get around to it, maybe.

Hey, you! Yes, you, the reader that's about to close this browser.

Stop! Don't leave!

Comment. Now. About something. Anything. Preferably something related to this post, but I'm not picky. Thanks. :-)

(You are going to comment, aren't you? Don't forget to comment.)

As I said once in the second volume of the Tenets of the Order of the Blue Square, apathetics really annoy me. Just today, I was teaching my Sociology class about American politics, and one girl complained about the assignment that I had given them, complaining something to the effect of "but that would mean we would, like, have to study knowledge and stuff." Yup. Studying knowledge and stuff. That's a prerequisite here at the Order.

I was browsing the Internet as I do every day, and I saw an ad that screamed to me,

"FREE* iPod nano! Get yours today!

*with participation."

"Yay! A free iPod nano! I've always wanted one of those," I thought.

But then after a few seconds, I, the ignorant American consumer, was like, "hey, wait a second. What's that? A little starry thing. Oh well, it's probably not important."

When I clicked on the ad, it showed me bunches and bunches of more ads. I was like, "hey man, no fair. I want my iPod." I tried to get rid of them. They kept coming. The site said something about how I had to participate in at least 23,436 of the 100,000 offers available to be considered, after my credit report was evaluated, for the semi-annual drawing whose winners get to go into the final contest of "WASPYL." After much research, I have concluded that this acronym, waspyl, means, "We Are So Pulling Your Leg." "Funny name," I said to myself. "It's probably run by the same people who took 'gullible' out of the dictionary."

Anyway, by this point, I was quite frustrated. After I had spent about 3 times my credit limit on only 62 of the 23,436 promotional items that I had to complete, I gave up. "You know what," I said, "Maybe I won't do this any more."

A few days later, a similar thing happened, with a pop-up offering me a free TV. It only took me until I had bought 47 and spent 1.4 times more money than I actually have until I decided to stop.

One of these days, though, I am determined to get something free, maybe even as it was advertised.

. . . but first, a random sidenote to the random headline. While "joke" suffices and is more grammatically correct than "funny" as a noun, we get tired of using the same word, "joke," over and over again. Hey, sometimes we IMAO and Spacemonkey fans (it was Spacemonkey who said that first, right?) say "teh funny" on purpose, just to amuse ourselves with our inventiveness. After all, the headline, "A Random Joke, a Random Question . . . " wouldn't be quite as punctual. Funny how that works, isn't it?

So! A random funny. Note: potential Alias spoiler ahead.

When this random guy on Alias (I don't watch the show; I just happened to overhear this) is about to be blown up, he tells this other random chick . . .

"I wish there was more time. I would've asked you out."

And she responds, "I would have said no way, you dweeb."

Ka-boom, he's dead. The last words he heard were those of his latest crush utterly rejecting him.

Okay, fine . . . actually, she responds, "I would have said yes" and gets all teary-eyed. Phooey. This is what the problem is with spy shows these days. Too much appealing to feminine emotional sentimentalities. I say, eschew the obfuscation - get to the point, and stop throwing in soap opera moments on what's supposed to be a show about spies and 'splosions.

And a random question: I was thinking, what with reporters looking into political candidates' histories and such, and what with Senators looking at the minutia of nominee's backgrounds, is there any hope for my career opportunities in journalism and/or politics after having started this humor blog, or should I give up now? Seriously, I'm worried about this. Sounds far-fetched, but they do go diggin'. Any thoughtful pontifications or wisened advice from my fellow, more popular, blogger friends?

More extended funny soon, hopefully. I am nearing the end of high school - June 15, I'm outta there. It's not so much the graduation that I look forward to; it's the end of K-12 as I've known it that I anticipate with glee. Know what I'm sayin'?

Sometimes, when I get tired of bashing on hippies and blaming the Jews for everything, and after I have made a numerous of numerous socialist, nationalist statements in favor of the Aryan race, and following the gassing of several hundred small cats, I like to speak in German,* 'cuz as all my friends like to say, I'm a Nazi. Yep, that's right, a Nazi. So, that headline means "Kill the Jews!" "Toads and Liberals: Know the Difference." Here are a few silly jokes for you.

What's the difference between marrying a liberal and marrying a toad?

No difference. Well, not exactly. While they are both unsavory-looking and have reproduction systems incompatible with the human species, toads are smarter.

For example, when a toad sees a fly buzzing around, he grabs it with his tongue and has a good fly snack. When a liberal sees a fly buzzing around, she says, "Hmm, how about that fly. It might be annoying me, but have I ever stopped to think about how I might be annoying it? Let's set up a committee to discuss this problem."

Also, when a toad sees a pond, he jumps in it and has some good, old-fashioned toad fun. When a liberal sees a pond, he says, "Ah! Look! A pond! It's brown. That's probably because the environment is doomed because humans are evil. I shall now sit and cry a river for that poor pond."

Finally, a toad hops around and looks kind of silly. When a liberal hops around, it's because their feet are being shot at by some cowboy who likes to see them dance - which is pretty dern hilarious, if Ah say so muhself.

*If any of you fine TOBS readers find any grammatical problems with my German, which is sometimes not all that great, please let me know about it, and I will correct it ASAP. Thanks!

This post has been bumped to take into account some new theories on the meaning of the blue square. It's rather long, so I've made it so that you have to click the "permalink/full post" link to read it.



Here are the old ones:

Incorrect Theory # 1

My blue square T-shirt (viewable on my profile) is a reference to a Candyland square. Incorrect for two reasons. One, only girls have told me this so far; therefore, it must be incorrect. Two, there's another, much more stupid, male reason. And yes, "stupid" and "male" are mutually inclusive. (At least, I figure if I bust on both genders, neither will have reason to hate me. I probably figure wrong.)

Incorrect Theory # 2

The blue square with a white background is a subtle hint to "think outside the box." As a bureaucratic type, I firmly believe that all causalities, possibilities, eventualities, and distinctive strategies that exist inside "the box" have not been fully explored, reviewed, examined, and given a good ole' time-consuming thrice-over and that as such, it would be extremely risky and unduly adventurous to venture outside the realm of the box, herein capsulified as "the blue square."

A side note: For anyone confused about whether the blue square is a blog, a T-shirt, or a person, it is all three. Kind of like the Trinity. Saint John probably said it best when he said, "In the beginning, there was the Blue Square. And the Blue Square was with God, and the Blue Square was God." Really, though, all you have to do is substitute "Word" for "Blue Square" and you get some good, sound theological doctrine. That may annoy some liberals, though, so the blue square has decided that we won't have any here.

Incorrect Theory #3

The blue square is a simpler representation of the blue screen with white text on it that appears on crashed Windows operating systems ME and below. That's actually a really cool guess, but nope, sorry. Wish it were, but it's actually something much lamer.

Incorrect Theory #4

The blue square is an H&R Block ad. Some silly guy who's going to completely ruin the life of marry my sister thought of this one. Go to their Web site; it's obvious that their square is green, indicating a close collaboration with the evil Green Triangles.

Incorrect Theory #5

The blue square is a reference to the signs for beginner ski slopes, somehow indicating that I am a beginner in life. To this I can truthfully say, "lies, all lies," rather blandly without having to shout it. I am a beginner at blogging, though. Whatever.

Incorrect Theory #6

This one I came up with, just looking at the slightly modified idiocy that is my Web site. Instead of having all the stars and what not that it did before with the original template, it just has a blue rectangle at the top with some other weird stuff. No, I am not an idiot - well, yes, I am - but that doesn't mean that I don't know what the difference between a blue square and blue rectangle is. Now go to bed.

(Sorry, Laurence; that just felt like the right thing to say at the moment.)


And here are some more recent ones:

Incorrect Theory #7

This one is also from the guy who is going to completely ruin the life of marry my sister. He commented on my MySpace profile (apparently, it was too much work for him to post a comment here) that I am in cahoots with American Express, whose card, which can be seen here and then clicking on one of their "Blue" credit cards, has a blue square on it. Obviously, this is not correct because the blue square on my T-shirt has been around since long before their latest, cheap-imitation marketing scheme to take advantage of the popularity of this blog.

Incorrect Theory #8

As you can see in the comments below, Harvey thinks that since I'm a square and wanted to show my patriotism, I had to choose one of the three colors of the American flag, but saying "Red Square" would seem obviously Communist and "White Square" would be just plain racist, so I had to go with Blue Square. This is wrong because that's way too complex thinking for me, although I will admit that the origin of the Blue Square T-shirt has a somewhat complicated past which is hard to figure out, so good luck guessing.

Incorrect Theory #9

This most recent one comes from fmragtops, as you can see in the comment below. He believes that there actually is no meaning to the blue square, and that it is simply a T-shirt with a blue square on it. If fmragtops hadn't been the first one to blogroll me and if I had any actual power in the blogosphere, I might have to accuse him of heresy and excommunicate him from the blogosphere by means of hurtful slander and malicious fabrications. Of course there is a meaning to the Blue Square! You all are just too stupid to figure out what it is.

Incorrect Theory #10

This theory comes from SeanS at shootaliberal.com. He says it reminds him of flash cards for little children who can't tell the difference between green and blue. I, however, have always been able to tell the difference between green and blue since the day I was born. Green is like the grass, I thought to myself as I came out of my mother's womb. Blue is like the sky. The grass is green because of chlorophyll, I pontificated; the sky is blue because blue is the optimum wavelength for being diffused through nitrogen; all the other colors get more or less bounced back, I realized. It was not until I was a month old that I had Einstein's theory of relativity down. The Blue Square, boy genius, I'm tellin' ya.


So, as you can see, there are many theories so far on what the blue square means, none of them correct. Humorously enough, the Fick & Oz Show mentioned me in their latest podcast, and said that they had a really "diverse audience" if they had such a weird guy as me listening, but failed to pontificate as to their theory on the meaning behind the blue square. Take your pick of the theories so far or make up a new one in the comments if you're feeling creative. I will then edit my post once more and explain why your theories are also incorrect.

Welcome to yet another "Moment in the Life of . . . Me!" which consists simply of me showing you a random picture from my life and helpfully labelling it so you know what to think about said picture. All pictures are taken shoddily with the 1.2 MP camera on my Zire 72 PDA, and all helpful labelling on the latest and greatest version of . . . MS Paint. Click the image below to read all the (oh-so-helpful) labels.



On a somewhat related note, the main thing I'm looking forward to when I get a domain and hosting of my own is having categories such as "Moments in the Life of . . . Me!" and the Tenets of the Square. You can apparently do that in Blogger, but it looks complicated, and the Blue Square doesn't like complicated.

I bet you didn't know that the Blue Square could, in addition to writing unfunny posts and crappy fan fiction, sing, too! The song today is a mockery of a song written by a hippie friend of mine. Potentially, more songs could come in the future. Please, pretty please, especially this time, I mean it, comment either on this post or over at the castpost.com link. Go there now or listen to it here. It may take a while to load (should I lower the size file?), so stop it until it's sufficiently loaded, then play it.


Powered by Castpost

UPDATE: Due to complaints from some users that it took to long to download, here is a low-fi version.

So Harvey over at IMAO wanted some fan fiction paying homage to Frank's In My World stuff. Specifically, he asked for Buck the Marine killin' for'ners. Not many people have created two-cent rip-offs of Frank J.'s genius yet, so I figured I would give it a shot.

Fan fiction is generally horrible, if not outright crappy. I mean, just Google it and see what you find. It's almost as pathetic as some of the books and movies themselves, which is quite an achievement for things like Harry Potter. Harry Potter fans, though, have generally read the subject material they're making fan fiction of cover to cover about 1,643 times. It's sick, really. I didn't have the time or the energy to read through all of IMAO's In My Worlds, so, in keeping with the tradition of crappiness here at The Order of the Blue Square, we intend to lower the bar even lower. Wish us luck.

Note to my visitors from IMAO (as opposed to what other visitors, I don't know): Please post in the comments section on a scale of 1 to 10, with one being very crappy, and 10 being a pile of manure that mocks the very deity of Frank J., how crappy this is.

With all required apologies and "homage" to IMAO and its "In My World" series . . .

President of the United States of America George Walker Bush was sitting in the Oval Office, discussing important matters of national security with his senior-level advisors.

"Do I look fat in the gray suit, or is it just me, guys?" Bush asked.

"I wouldn't know, Mr. President. I leave the wardrobe selections entirely up to my wife," said one of his unnamed aides.

"Hey, that's a good idea, thanks," Bush said. "Lauraaaaaaaa!"

"I'm right here, you dumb cowboy," Laura Bush said. "And before you ask me one more time about which suit 'makes you look fat' again, I have news for you. None of them makes you look fat. You are fat. And you really do look like a chimp."

"But... but Laura, do you really..."

"Shut up. Now get back to talking with your aides about how you're going to fix those 20% approval ratings of yours."

Laura stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind her. "Idiot," she muttered to herself.

"Guys, is it true? Am I really fat? I mean, Laura hasn't been baking her special cookies for me in weeks, so with that and riding my cool new Seg-day or whatever you call it and listening to my ePad on a daily basis, I thought I'd been shedding a few pounds."

"I'm not going to say anything to you, sir, but I will tell the New York Times all about what Laura just said to you right after leaving this office," said another unnamed thirty-year-old.

"Hey, you, how'd you get here? Where are you from? I don't even know your name," said Bush.

"Oops, did I say that out loud?" asked the unnamed source in his typically rhetorical, time-wasting fashion. "Uh... bye, guys."

"We sure have been seeing those people around here a lot lately," said Bush. "I think the NSA or the CIA or the FBI or the IMF should be doing something about them."

"Uh, sir? The IMF is just a stupid made-up agency in the Mission Impossible series. It doesn't exist, Mr. President," said a loyal aide who was new to the Oval Office.

"Really? I'd wondered why I hadn't heard nothin' about it. Anyway. So, heh, if those other acronym-lovin' city slickers haven't been keepin' my White House securified, I think there's only one man left for the job."

"Who, sir? Jack Bauer?" asked the aide.

"No, silly. Even I know he's fake, heh. No, folks, it's time to call... Buck."

"Buck who, sir?"

"Buck... the Marine!"

"But aren't Marines supposed to only be used in foreign missions? Like, invading other countries and stuff? The whole Middle East thing is getting old. We could go for France if you like, sir. It's been a while since FDR's guys made up that whole anti-fascism cover for the sole purpose of invading France, and the public may be ripe for another vast right-wing conspiracy after the Clinton scandal."

"Well, I figger if I can put national guardsmen on the border, why can't I have Buck the Marine do a little cleaning-up at the New York Times for me?"

"Um, Mr. President, I know I'm new here and all, but I'm pretty sure that's illegal . . . "

* * *

After having finished a somewhat awkward and very childish conversation with the President, Buck the Marine ponders his latest mission assignment:

I dunno why Bush sent me to kill off those 'unnamed sources' of his. Maybe that's why his approval ratings are so freakin' low. Dern gone crazy, the man has. Oh well. I'm a Marine, and Marines do what the President tells us to do, even if it's the worst idea since pullin' out o' 'Nam.

"Hey, you."

"Huh? Wha, me?"

"Now listen, citizen. I know you guys are pretty dumb up here in New York, but don't tell me you don't know a Marine when you see one. If y'all keep writing about us like you know what you're talkin' about in the paper, then the least you can do is recognize a Marine and give him the respect he deserves by recognizin' when he's talkin' to ya."

"Uh . . . I'm just the janitor."

"Oh. Never mind, then. Be on your way, American."

Darnit. First one I see, and I have to let him live. Oh, look, there's a door. It even has a sign. "The New York Times. All the news that's fit to print." Sounds suspicious. I'll have to keep my eyes open and my machine gun ready.

"Um, soldier?" said a security guard. "We don't allow weaponry of any kind inside the building, even for members of the Armed Forces."

"That's Marine to you, bucko. Buck the Marine. And I have a special permit."

"Oh, really? Can I see it?"

"Yes. It's right here."

Buck expertly pulled out his knife and quickly executed his lethal manuevers.

I'll save some of the really painful stuff for the reporters, he thought.

Moving on, Buck the Marine came across a few more rent-a-cops, a half-dozen dweebs in suits with press badges, and other random people that he summarily shot without thinking. Left in the corner was one freckled super-dweeb with glasses, ruffled hair, and a terrified look on his face.

"Hey, you."

"Wha-wha-whaaaat?" he stammered.

"Are you one of them so-called 'un-named sources' I keep readin' about?"

"N-no, I'm just, just a reporter, here, t-to report th-the news to the A-a-American people."

"Same difference."

30 seconds later, the freckled super-dweeb lied on the floor, with broken glasses and a horribly ruptured kidney.


* * *


"Gee, Mr. President, I was 'spicious at first about killin' somebody other'n for'ners, but I had forgotten how much I hated those lib'ral reporter types. Besides, them journalists folks 'r way diffr'nt from normal people, like us Marines. Killin' them is pretty much just like kill'n for'ners themselves."

"My thinking exactly, Buck. Keep up the good work."

"I didn't know you thought, sir. I sure don't, but I guess bein' President and all, you have to sometimes. Me, I stick to killin' for'ners and now journalists, which is what I do best. It is an honor and a privilege to serve, Mr. President. Hoo-rah!"

As someone who personally doesn't like to waste his time thinking up his own schemes of mass media manipulation, I like to copy the ideas of others.

What comes to mind recently is the book-turned-movie that apparently stinks, according to the NY Times. Yes, that's right, I said NY Times. Even they didn't like it. And if the NY Times doesn't like a Christian-bashing film, who will? This, I believe, is a missed opportunity for the vast left-wing conspiracy for some good, ole'-fashioned Christian-bashing.

I promise that the vast right-wing conspiracy for some good, ole'-fashioned Muslim-bashing will do much better. In keeping with the theme of throwing in some random dead Italian guy's name along with the word, "code," to make half-truth-based-fiction sound hip and all Alias-like, I will be titling my latest book, "The Machiavellian Cipher." In it, I will make up lots of "facts" about Islam and its founder, Mohammed.

Jesus had one wife, you say? I'll give Mohammed five, maybe even more! Better yet, I'll make some of them really young to further slander the Prophet!

I'll also include a recent archeological dig that proves beyond a shadow of belief doubt that Mohammed just made it all up as he went along, and that multiple copies of the Koran have totally different versions and there's no way we can trust the Koran! Ever! It's lies, all lies!

If Jesus really didn't say he was God and was just another messianic leader, then I'll make Mohammed be a crazed religious zealot who went on warpaths to conquer surrounding nations!

Oh, and Mohammed didn't say Jesus was the second-most important prophet! Idiots! Mohammed hated Jesus! That's right! And my proof, you say? Well, just look at modern-day Islamicists! They hate Christians and stuff, duh! How, I ask you, could such a nice guy slightly altering the tenets of the faith give way to radical terrorists going on suicide missions for the chance to have sex with 72 virgins!?! Me and my scheming plot to mislead the public will have you there!

Am I being radically slanderous enough here? I'm giving it my best shot.

Top Ten Reasons Why The Order of the Blue Square is greater than IMAO:

10. Monkeys are overused comic devices, whereas blue squares are the newest thing.

9. Hippies, terrorists, and liberals last a good while as objects of ridicule, but TOBS is setting a trend by branching out into making fun of MySpace, spammers, and Green Triangles as well.

8. IMAO pretty much tells you in one way or another when it's lying; we at the Order keep you guessing.

7. We actually tell you what our name stands for, thereby relieving any pent-up acronym frustration you may have inside you and clearing your mind for the full effect of the hilarity that you will soon experience.

6. TOBS is proud to have never been tainted by the maniacal, hypocritical scheming that is so common at IMAO: somehow managing to get linked to on evil Glenn's blog. We intend to keep it that way. (If this ever changes for some odd reason, we'll be sure to come back and edit this post so you never knew we said this.)

5. Frank J. wastes his time making circuit boards, while the author of this blog plans to go on and do great things with his careers in politics and journalism. Among them are making the world a better place, plagiarizing, and taking bribes like it's nobody's business - literally. I don't know how this makes us funnier than Frank J., or even why I keep referring to myself as more than one person, but that's your problem.

4. We contradict ourselves more often than Frank J. This was proven here, here, and here. I'm not sure, but I think the bulk of the research proving that was done by the same group that showed 73.5% of statistics are entirely fictional.

3. Instead of the pure funniness that is Frank J.'s Web site, we throw in a little lot of unfunny, intentional or otherwise, now and again just to remind you what pure funny is so you can laugh all the harder next time. See, we here at The Order of the Blue Square understand your needs as a customer of comedy. Frank J. just doesn't seem to get that.

2. The Blue Square logo is much easier to print than the Nuke the Moon logo. Therefore, we will be saving you money on Blue Square T-Shirts if and when we ever getting around to printing them - which is unlikely, unless you due your duty as a member of the great, wide Internet and visit here more often than IMAO.

1. I said so.

As I opened my e-mail inbox this morning, I noticed I had some e-mail. Yay! Someone e-mailed me! I thought. Maybe I'll find a new friend on the Internet! I also thought for a second that it could be e-mails notifying me of all the comments my readers had made on my blog, but, sadly, this was not so.

Upon actually looking at the e-mails (I think very fast, so all of this was going in my head before the page fully loaded), I noticed it was . . . spam! Grr!

Now, being a sheltered child, I was kind of confused as to what some of this stuff meant.

I mean, what if my name's not Dick? And even if it is, what if I don't want to grow tall and big? What if I already am, and I want to lose weight?

Why are there a bunch of random letters and numbers in the subject header?

Doesn't "bankruptcy" only happen to grown-ups who scream and pull their hair out all the time? Why are they sending some of this stuff about to me, then?

I get a full nine hours of sleep every night, just like Mommy says, so why am I supposed to be sad about my "performance in bed"?

What's a "bank account," and why is this nice man trying to give me all of his money? Doesn't he have big bodyguards like in the movies for that?

Shouldn't we be worried about the chicks if they're hot? Wouldn't they get sick? Shouldn't we, like, cool them down or give them a fan or something?


If you can explain any of this to me, I'd greatly appreciate it.

I thought I was joking when I cross-posted this post onto Frank J.'s Political Humor section on Gather.com, but I guess it really is true possible that any joke can be taken seriously by the wrong kind of people. (For serious: The people that think I'm serious seem to actually be nice folks, really. It's just . . . I don't know. Okay, enough "for serious.") I haven't been accused of being "hostile" yet, since I didn't really directly call for or even imply the smiting (sorry, FM) or punching of anyone, but I have been accused of being "wrong," which seriously damaged my ego. I don't know if I'll ever recover from that. Stooping to that level - I mean, come on, now; let's keep it civil.

See that? Those last few sentences? Those were a joke. It involved irony, another good word to look up in case you're unsure.

So, just remember, folks: what I post here is supposed to be funny. If it's not, I'm really sorry. Let me know by voting on the poll at the right-hand side and saying you hate me, et cetera, und so weiter. I may be pathetically unfunny here, but please, whatever you do, don't think I'm serious.

And for all of you *cough* loyal *cough* readers out there, I appreciate your, er, "loyalty." Keep it up, and keep coming back for half-baked attempts that make it a quarter of the way to "kind of chuckle-worthy."

Alright, after some technical difficulties and going to work, I now have for you another, fully readable, "Moment in the Life of . . . Me!" which consists simply of me showing you a random picture from my life and helpfully labelling it so you know what to think about said picture. All pictures are taken shoddily with the 1.2 MP camera on my PDA, and all helpful labelling on the latest and greatest version of . . . MS Paint. Click the image below to read all the (oh-so-helpful) labels.

Whereas the Blue Square is, in fact, the ruler of the universe;

Whereas he does what he wants;

Whereas you all are a bunch of no-good, lying, scheming, nonexistent, pathetic bunch of losers who disgrace the noun "reader";

These are some more of my tenets.

(Clickity-clicky the "permalink/full post" linky-link to read.)

19. "Floccinaucinihilipilification" is hereby the greatest word ever. (Except "doom," of course.) Use it as often as and wherever possible. If you're an idiot and don't know what it means, go to the Dictionary.com link I gave you, idiot. The cool thing about this word is that unlike "team," it has bunches of and bunches of the letter "I" in it. That makes sense, given its definition, and seeing as pretty much all I do here is floccinaucinihilipilificate, well, gosh darnit, I'm going to make it my motto.

20. People in the blogosphere need to learn how to link properly. The accepted way of linking does not make sense, and I am here to fix that. For example, instead of, "Glenn Reynolds just made another stupid post without any commentary," it should be, "Glenn Reynolds just made another stupid post without any commentary." You can even link to his main blog and his specific post just in case your readers are idiots (unlike mine; they don't exist, but they're smart, nonetheless) by saying, "Glenn Reynolds just posted another stupid post without any commentary." Does this not make sense to everyone else here? You're saying evil Glenn made another stupid post, and the stupid post is what you're linking to, not evil Glenn himself. Why people don't know how to link properly, I don't know, but it's startin' to tick me off here. And when I get angry, bad things happen. I don't know what, but it's bad, people, I promise you.

21. The number of corporations having an initial lowercase letter followed by an uppercase letter in the names is increasing exponentially with an exponent of (1+ "idiocy today" / "common sense in the world"). eBay was cool, but after that, people like iTunes and all the way down the line are starting to get annoying. People are idiots unless they agree with the way I think things should be done. 'nuff said here. UPDATE: Right after posting this, I went to my friends' site at Cult Live Wire and found this image on this doodle page. It is an excellent satire of the evil, corporate iPod, I must say.


So, those were some more of my tenets. I hope you liked them. And on this, the seventh posting of the Tenets of the Order of the Blue Square, it is your lucky day: you can post a comment as to what you think should be included in the next list of my tenets, and if I like them, I'll use yours and you can become an honorary member of the Order of the Blue Square.

There's this poll on the right sidebar from, you guessed it, freepolls.com. Go vote on it. I don't care what you say; just A) express yourself and be a good liberal, B) condemn me for my misrepresentation of conservative values, or C) laugh at me with your evil libertarian, you're-so-doomed laugh. You can even comment on the poll itself after you vote or when you click "view results." Just scroll down past my hick face and my "About Me" section, and there it is.

UPDATE: Someone voted! Amazing! Better yet, it was one of my imaginary readers. There we have it: proof that Tenet 9 not a lie, and that readers not from this three-dimensional realm of ours visit my blog regularly.

UPDATE II: The percentage of people reporting that they like me is still at 100%. In other words, no one else has voted yet. Oh, poo. Hey, no biggie; I am no longer an amoeba and am, in fact, a microcellular organism, according to the TTLB Ecocystem. Yay!

UPDATE III: Voter participation in the poll has gone up 100%. Okay, so it's from 1 vote to 2, but yee-haw, them Internets sher are fun to fool around with. But by the way, people, why have none of you not been willing to come out and admit it: this blog is lame! LAME, I tell you! Yeesh. Vote your conscience, not your pocketbook. Heck, vote your pocketbook, too; it's not like I'm making any money from writing incessant incorrigible idiocies here.

UPDATE IV: This post has been bumped to celebrate the fact that four more people have voted - and two of them actually like the blue square, too! One said "meh" - always an appropriate response - and one hates me, but not as much as anyone who would dare choose Choice 2. Thanks, guys; I feel all warm and fuzzy now. May the Square be with you all. Except for the haters out there. Maybe they're just "f**king pist" and got confused, though.

An official, Bush-administration-endorsed editorial in response to Frank J.'s whining.

There has been a political furor recently over undocumented Mexican immigration. Some citizens may be wondering aloud, "Why hasn't there been anything substantive done in the past?" and "Why is everyone just getting mad again about this now?" These citizens need to lighten up a bit and realize that whatever Bush says is important is important at that moment, but if he forgets about it or doesn't get anything done for a little while - say, 5 or 6 years - hey, that's your problem. Who told you that you could talk, anyway? Foolish, totally irrelevant blogger.

Regardless, our President has now decided that immigration reform is important enough to give a speech on it to the nation. It wasn't important a few months ago, when everybody wasn't quite as angry. Now, they are, and it is. Not that we're suggesting those two things have anything to do with each other or are correlated in any way, of course.

To summarize, since el Bush-o now thinks immigration reform is super-important, it now is. Now, on to the proposed solutions that will have an immediate and permanent impact on the problem by, perhaps, next November, give or take a few decades.

We will be adding a few National Guard troops to the border soon, if Congress does what we want it to. If it doesn't, it's its fault, not ours, thank you very much, SarahK. Man, those IMAO bloggers need to let off on the hostility, seriously. We're Republicans, remember? We're the good guys. Always. And forever. No questions asked. Period, end of sentence.

Another of our detailed, effective solutions that those gridlocked legislators need to get a move on is making it so that those poor, undocumented workers who just want to go north to find an economy that's capable of having some of its strength sucked out from under it without toppling so they can feed their starving children. Some in Congress are nativists, and nativism is bad. Therefore, we must give up all hope of sending those (poor, starving, hard-working) undocumented workers back and instead let them live here for pretty much however long they want.

It's not going to be amnesty, though, because amnesty is bad, too. Our proposed solution of slightly-less-than-amnesty is kind of like political margarine that's pretty much just as fattening anyway, but yet, you "Can't Believe It's Not Amnesty!" Obviously, our bold and daring President Bush is on the forefront of political tactics in the new millenium by his use of the method of giving liberals what they want but steaddastly refusing to use their terminology while doing so. All you old-fashioned, disenheartened conservatives just need to learn to get with it.

Finally, some irresponsibly irrelevant bloggers, such as Frank J. in the post cited at the top of this article, have suggested eliminating borders in the world altogether and making the world one America. While I admit that this would save money from our perhaps slightly overwhelmed federal budget by eliminating the need for several departments and agencies involved in diplomacy and defense, eliminating borders is simply not the American way. Instead, we here in America like to have imaginary borders that waste money and time by pretending to enforce them and taking strong diplomatic stances against other nations who threaten our very way of life. It's been the U.S. policy since the Cold War, for crying out loud. Get over it.

In conclusion, Bush is right, and you're wrong. No matter how liberal you think he is, he's just being a compassionate conservative who happens to spend a lot while cutting taxes and not get anything out of it. That's different than a tax-and-spend liberal, who admits he spends a lot and gets nothing out of it. There's a difference here, you irrelevant bloggers. Know the difference, and vote Republican this November.

Most of you probably don't know it, but I can be serious once in a while. Actually, most people who see me in person tell me that I'm quite a serious guy and that I should lighten up a bit. But see, to me, that always seemed like they were being . . .

Ahem. To the point: I had something all analytical-like about blogs, newspapers, and the future of opinion-writing in the paper published today, and you should check it out. Here is a self-quoting excerpt:

. . . the actuality lies somewhere in between what the rebels and the media biggies say.
For now, though, it looks like the rebel bloggers have the upper hand.
Newspaper readership is declining while blogs' relevance and readership is increasing.
Yet regardless of whether one sides with the mainstream media or bloggers (who may or may not have any credibility), I doubt that any Internet source will ever replace traditional newspapers.

This was actually the fifth of five rants about what it means to be an editorial writer.

In the first, I wrote that writing opinion pieces was essentially an easy thing to do and equated it to sitting in a lounge chair, rambling on about what you know is best for America.

In the second, I discussed the weighty responsibility of the editorialist to provide the reader with what he or she thought to be the truth.

In the third, I spoke of the actual distinction between fact and opinion and how for even the most experienced veterans of verbal battles, it is often hard to distinguish the two.

In the fourth, I talked about the de facto stubbornness of an editorialist and the writings found in newspapers that can be deceptively persuasive if one is not careful.

In this rant, the fifth and final piece, I discuss the future of American newspapers. The golden age of the printing press is long gone, but the printed word will have an effect for a long time to come.


Man, that was way too unfunny and much too much grounded in reality. To cheer you up a bit, here's a classic question with a political twist.

Why'd the chicken cross the road?

To get to the right side. (Drum crash, please.)

Ouch, that joke physically harmed you, didn't it? My chicken jokes are like verbal spears stabbing you in your figuratively bleeding stomach, leaving you stranded all alone in the metaphorical desert without a proverbial glass of water. So, if you thought that chicken joke was bad, go bleed to death. But only in a symbolic way, of course.

Hat tip to evil Glenn, of course . . .

John McCain, after saying how when he was young, he thought he was right about everything and was an arrogant hothead (as opposed to...?), said, "It’s a pity that there wasn’t a blogosphere then. I would have felt very much at home in the medium."

What is this guy trying to say!? Who does he think he is, anyway? Establishmentarian, talking-point-blabbing, blog-hating moderate Senator! This is all such a freakin' lie that the blogosphere is angry and all that absolute crap about us not having useful dialogue! Can't he see that we're so much smarter than him? I mean, we're calm, rational, thoughtful, tolerant bloggers! We're always open to new ideas and a diversity of opinion. And he better accept that and promote us as the New Media revolution -- or else! The honorable pathetic, lying, dweebish Senator from Arizona is so going down, the freakin' moron.

Be blue, squares. (Like the new logo and motto?)

Well? Like I said before and will now say again since I don't think you can bump posts in Blogger... tell me whatcha think! It's not that hard, folks. Just go to the right sidebar and click away. See, the thing is, I don't care if you hate me; I just need to know you hate me. I want to hear it from you individually, so there won't be any gray areas.

Thanks, and may be God a higher being somebody or something be with you (if you want).

UPDATE: Even though my SiteMeter reports 2 entire visitors within the last hour, those 2 apparently didn't vote in the poll. Next time you be different and actually vote. I'm telling you, I really don't care what option you choose, so long as you choose it. Pick whichever one's funniest or most insulting, I don't care! Stop reading this and just vote already! Yeesh!

I told you to stop reading! Go vote!

Do I have to spell it out for you here?

What did I just say?

Do you realize that I'm still typing just to see if you keep reading this, and to condemn you for it if you are, which you obviously are, because you're reading this?

Hint: go vote now.

NOW!

Sigh.


(Now.)

UPDATE II: Maybe we're not all doomed and it's not the end of the world if no one votes on the poll today. Maybe... it's okay that I'm not popular. Maybe... I can wait for a while for traffic to increase to the point that I don't need to check it every 30 minutes.

Maybe . . .

Perhaps . . .

It is possible, I suppose . . .

Just kidding. Never will I give in to such heresies. NEVER!

Oh, and go vote on the poll that you find at the right-hand side of the screen, please.

The evil Glenn is somehow more important than me and thus has excerpts from Bush's 8 o'clock speech tonight. That stupid blogger; always being actually relevant to the real world and bull-stuff like that and thus getting secret stuff from the RNC. (What, you think "bull-stuff" is funny? It's what they say on R-rated movies edited for TV in place of the real, naughty-naughty word.)

There was a discussion over at IMAO as to what IMAO readers wanted our president to say. The suggestions generally involved walls, fences, moats, dikes, turrets, border patrol agents, the National Guard, and punching Vicente Fox. We have hopes from evil Glenn's reporting that he might yet say something of the like. Bush will reportedly say tonight:

"The reality is that there are many people on the other side of our border who will do anything to come to America to work and build a better life. They walk across miles of desert in the summer heat, or hide in the back of 18-wheelers to reach our country. This creates enormous pressure on our border that walls and patrols alone will not stop. To secure the border effectively we must reduce the numbers of people trying to sneak across."

Hmm... think this means your call for machine guns and close air support will be realized before you even take office, fmragtops?

Here is a recent conversation with one of my friends...

friend of blue square: wat r u up to?
blue square: blogging
friend of square: I see
square: you?
friend of square: being bored out of my mind
square: how so?
...
square: well, start ur own blog, lol
friend of square: maybe....it would probably end up as me yelling about everything wrong in the world
square: that's the point!

Goodness. This friend of the square just doesn't get it, does he? That, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, hermaphrodites and homosexuals, imaginary and actual readers, et cetera, et cetera . . . I forgot what I was saying. Introductions these days; they have to be so politically correct, and my having imaginary readers (Tenet 9) doesn't help things. But it had something to do with blogging and how the aforementioned friend of the square should do so, but he's not, so he's, like, lost or something.

Oh, and for those of you who clicked the full post link for some reason, I have a sneak preview for you: soon, you will be hearing the Voice of the Square in a solo acapella rendition of The Hippie Theme Song, written by my very own Hippie Friend. Here is a glimpse at the chorus:

You turn a blind eye to the war
I ask the people What we fighting for?
All I want is some peace in the world
I guess Im just a happy go lucky kind of girl

I bet you just can't wait, can you?

So, I have recently been inspired by spacemonkey's doodles to post some doodles of my own. Please let me know if they are crappy, wonderful, or somewhere in-between. (Click the "permalink/full post" link below, and click on each image to enlarge it when necessary. Dummy.)

So, here they are. Hopefully, they will come out right in Blogger.




An appropriate way to start off a doodling session. Please theorize as to the meaning of the above in the comments.




Please inform me of a 60-year abstract art contract of some sort in the comments.


Most everything is self-labeled in this one. Kind of lame, but perhaps I'll get a laugh out of you yet.




We were talking about the elderly in Sociology, and suffice it to say, I wasn't that enthused, so I took it out on my voodoo-doodles.

My template is acting funny, as you can tell. Seeing as this isn't a group blog, I have no one to blame and no one to make do the work. However, I'm sure there are lots of readers ( . . . OK, I'm still working on that) that are willing to help me out here.

Please? I'll give you a cookie.

UPDATE: So I get home, and the sidebar is back to being on the right where it should be, not way below all the posts. Perhaps it's just the school and work computers are lame? If you have this or any other problem viewing the Order's chronicles of hilarity, please let me know. (Oh, and I still can't get it to display my hick picture without showing my profile.)

I've always loved the idea of stroking one's beard. C.S. Lewis thought the decreasing prevalance of beards in his time's modern, fashion-conscious society signified a decline in manliness. I agree, especially now, decades after his death. So here for you today, I have a list for all you manly men out there of timely moments during which to stroke one's beard - whether you have one or not. After all, if I write this blog for nonexistent readers, why can't you stroke your nonexistent beard? Without further adue:

=>When thinking.

=>When pretending to think.

=>When pondering the nature of the cosmos, a thought process of an entirely different order than mere thinking.

=>When you have a nasty zit, pimple, or other physiognomic evidence of loserism you want to cover up because you just met some really hot chick.

=>When bored.

=>When thinking of the next item to put in a bulleted list.

=>When giving up and hoping that someone finds this funny and will comment below.

Well, there you have it. I'm sure Harvey will appreciate this list.

Here are some more unrelated lies.

=> Glenn Reynolds is unfunny. His evil libertarian plot to make teen guys watch as much porn as they want is (as outlined in his pathetic excuse for a book), unfortunately, working, due to the fact that his aforementioned objective is about as hard as getting grass to grow after a big rain. Don't click on the link in the above linked post unless you want to become a rapist. Some may say it's a leap to go from bikini-clad women to sexual abuse, but they are obviously obscuring the truth from you, because... um... I said so. And preachers and such say so, too. (An oldie excuse, but a goodie, nonetheless.) His InstaWife needs to give him a good thrashing. Kind of like... the old lady in The Wife of Bath's Tale in the Canterbury Tales. Yup, I'm literate. Surprised you, didn't I?

=>Now this unrelated lie is actually funny. There was a block-letter sign on the side of the highway in that blared out, "COMMCERIAL RETAIL SPACE AVAILABLE." Commcerial? Commcerial, people? What amazes me about this is that the (probably under-25) employee who put that sign up there had to have been doing this pretty slowly - it's block lettering, after all. One must put each individual letter up, one by one. Yet still, she or he (I'm not being gentlemanly in putting "she" first; it's my subtle way of letting you know that I'm a sexist and think that women fail more often than men) didn't stop to think for one second about the spelling of the word. Comm-ersh-ul, not comm-keer-ee-ul. Goodness. Even Napoleon Dynamite would get that right. I would've taken a picture for you, my loyal, yet often imaginary (Tenet 9) readers, but traffic was moving too fast.

=>Writing at 2:12 when you have to wake up in 4 hours is good for your health. Contrary to what those lying doctors tell you, not sleeping before you have to get up the next morning will actually enhance your brain functions by the added internal neurotic activity that, er, averages out to increase the processing capability in the short-term future. Furthermore, caffeine has no ill side-effects. That's a government lie, too.

=>Some of my real-life friends (hey! What's so funny?) claim to visit links to specific posts I give them, say they are actually funny and indeed quite hilarious, and promise that they will post a comment about said post soon. They never do. The only logical conclusion is that they never visited my blog at all, since the sheer comic force of The Order of the Blue Square is greater than those of gravity, magnetism, and Oreos combined. If they had actually visited my site, they would be orbiting my computer, have their hair in a frenzy with sparks all around, and drooling like a small child, begging for just one more post and a refill of milk.

=>Finally, yes, I know the number two is actually spelled "two." It was a joke. I do a lot of those here, in case you haven't noticed. They generally involve going to one extreme or the other to produce total absurdity in the hopes of humor. If me no funny, you leave-o. If me funny, you sit and you link-o on your blog-o. Comprende?

As some of my more faithful readers know, the purpose of this blog is to spread lies and deceit through clever manipulation of your mind. Thus, everything on this blog can only be classified as "Lies. All lies!" Furthermore, I'm kind of ADD and bring up lots of pointless stuff quite often. I therefore have for you today a set of completely unrelated and totally irrelevant . . . lies.



=>Somebody just seriously challenged Glenn Reynolds over something about Christanity, Islam, and censorship! Score! I'm too stupid to understand it further, but anything that involves slamming Glenn Reynolds in any way possible is a very good thing.

=>I remember this one time a while ago in German class when there was a sub so we were watching some stupid video about Germany's history. Now, as we all now, since Germany really didn't matter much before they tried to take over the world, Germany's history didn't really start until WWII where they took a good thing (nationalism and the hate for foreigners) and mixed it with a bad thing (anti-Semitism) and got the Holocaust. (Holocaust bad. Holocaust not funny.) The next important thing was that big, mean, Commie wall falling down. This video was talking about that, and while showing clips of happy, good Berliners (not jelly donuts; the other kind) tearing down the wall, they were playing "Imagine" by John Lennon in the background. For those of you who have been unscathed by this wretched excuse for a thoughtful song, here is a copy of the lyrics. Go read and carry a puke-bucket just in case. The idea that an obviously Commie song would be used to celebrate the downfall of Communism is evil! And stupid! And bad! And . . . *checks thesaurus.com* flagitious!

=>I just got back from putting a load of laundry in. It was hard, brack-beaking work. Um... hard, back-breaking work, I mean. No, I'm not drunk. Why? Anyway, it was, and I think I, as an American who has jobs that I'm not willing to do, should find a Mexican somewhere to do it. Spacemonkey's already employed, but I'm sure there's someone else out there. Any suggestions?

=>I was at this wedding once (weddings are stupid) (except my own; 'cuz that means for the first time ever, . . . never mind) where they played this song that had the line, "kissing your tears away." Now, can everyone else agree with me that that idea is stupid, evil, bad, and flagitious? Besides, wouldn't that taste kind of salty?

=>Some wonder why I am unfunny and I rarely get any comments. They spread lies such as the fact that I'm just getting started, have yet to make a name for myself, and so on. The fact is, folks, I am just not funny and never will be. (Cry a river for me, but please don't kiss me.) Anyway, doom! No, no; repeating the same joke over and over is not funny... must... concentrate... Um, the reason I'm not funny is because I have never punched a liberal in his dumb monkey face. (Um, I would link to Frank J.'s inaugural post regarding the subject of liberals' dumb monkey faces, but I can't find it, and anyway, I'm too tired from putting a load of laundry in the washer.) Without having had such an experience, it's kind of like an incessantly single guy giving dating tips. It just don't work.

=>Some may think that this segment is a cheap, cheap rip-off of IMAO's "totally true tidbits" section. This is a flat-out lie, undeniably so. These lies don't even have anything to do with each other; nor do I falsely claim that they are "totally true." Idiots. Also, some may claim that my humor is predictable. To this I say, what humor? I'm totally serious. (Ah, the irony.)

=>Acting sorry for yourself only gets you so far in the blogosphere. Wait a second. That's not a lie; it's true. Oh well. That's just *sniff* how it goes for some *sniff* of us, I guess. *bawling*

Be blue, squares.

P.S. =>That is also not a rip-off of IMAO's "be honorable, ronin." It's totally different. Mine involves being blue and being square. IMAO's involves being honorable and being ronin. See the difference? Idiots.

Recently, IMAO was the victim of a rather persistent and redundant troll, going by the name of Liberals Are Monkey Faced. He attempted to parody IMAO, a right-wing humor site that pokes gentle fun at liberals. (His recent comments can be found mostly here and here.) Thus, he was making a (very pathetic) parody of a parody. It is my hope that by posting a satire of one of his IMAO posts, I shall beat him - in my own mind, at least - by creating a parody of a parody of a parody that can not be out-parodied. I mean, come on; if he were to try making fun of me making fun of him making fun of Frank J. making fun of liberals, what would that look like? More hate-filled lefty drool?

Please click the "permalink/extended post" to read my triple-parody.

Hi again, guys! I am so honored that you let me keep posting here. I know I'm not nearly as funny or cool as as Frank J., but I try!

Punching monkey-faced liberals is fun, Frank! You're so funny! It's just so funny how you're so funny! I want to laugh all the time!

Frank, I like to punch monkey-faced liberals! Liberals who have monkey faces are fun to punch!

By the way, Frank, O funny one, please let me know how funny I am by responding to my degrading insults compliments!

Oops, did I slip up on that last one? Sorry! I really like you, really, really!

It's hard to counter arguments that say that Bush knew about 9/11, and all the wars are for oil, and liberal lies like that, but you help me so much, Frank J.! Thanks so much, Frank J.! I'll go punch monkey-faced liberals now!

Liberals Are Monkey Faced

Hmm. I don't know if that worked. Trouble is, he's so stupid that it's hard to exaggerate it.

So, I read some much funniness in the Free Lance-Star today:

Not that I have anything against the Three 6 Mafia. I'm sure it was hard to come up with all those clever rhymes. I remember fondly my days of rhyming in kindergarten.

I am at a loss, however, to understand how the Three 6 Mafia managed the amazing quantum leap from "I am Sam, Sam I am, Do you like green eggs and ham?" to "Wait I got a snow bunny, and a black girl too/ You pay the right price and they'll both do you."

No, really, though. I have no qualms with the Three 6 Mafia. I actually must confess that I am slightly impressed--they were able to convince the ABC network to allow them to say the word "bitches" on the air. Well done, boys.

I thought that, what with me being a famous humor blogger and all, I would give the author of this the funniness creds that she deserves. That "rhyming days in kindergarten" line is priceless.

Keep up the good work, oh youth of the Fredericksburg area.

fmragtops for Prez in ‘08. Ah’m fer it.

Oh, and fmragtops kindly gave me a position in his Cabinet as the head of a brand new Department, which he himself named. He gave some leaderships positions to his other, more popular blog friends right away, but I had to convince him in the comments that I needed patronage to vote for him before he gave me anything. That condescending pig! Real readers. Pssh-ah. Who needs 'em?

Anyway, can you loyal readers of mine (probably all imaginary) guess what this department will be called? (Click below to find out.)

Click here to read it all

If you're a new visitor to this site, I have a section called "Moments in the Life of . . . Me!" where I dazzle you with informatively labelled pictures taken by me with my very own Zire 72, 1.2 MP PDA.



Here's the pic. Enjoy the photo, and be sure to comment if you find much funniness, some funniness, or no funniness.

Somewhere in Washington, D.C., on a dark, stormy night, there were 2 clever political chronies, 3 angry vast right-wing conspirators, 1 nerdy economics expert, and 665 irrelevant bloggers. In their deep underground hideout, they were discussing the ramifications of the latest development on the Internet: "political humor."



Clever Political Chrony #1: What is this humor nonsense? I disagree entirely with the concept that what we do could be considered funny. Our political meandering, fact-spinning, jerryrigging, gerrymandering, and outright legalized corruption is serious stuff. This will have no effect on the upcoming 2006 midterm elections.

Angry Vast Right-Wing Conspirator #3: I hate to agree with that obviously left-leaning corrupt baby-killer over there, but I hope he's right in that those bloggers that consider themselves "funny" won't have much influence in the real world. The Democrats started all this corruption, of course, but now that we Republicans have sunk to their level, everyone hates us, and some are even poking fun! This could be a crucial matter. The humor must stop.

Conspirator #1: Hey, how didn't I get to speak first? I am angry VRWC #1, after all.

Irrelevant Blogger #99: Shut up. No one cares about you. Vast right-wing conspiring is so '90s. Blogging is the new thing. Get a blog or become old, stingy, and flavorless, a relic of the past, just like the Old Media. Buahaha. Haha. Heh.

Nerdy Economics Expert: You are all wrong, obviously due to your incorrect perceptions of the trends in the American economy. While blogging certainly has an impact on the future of politics, there's nothing like good, old-fashioned newspapers and television to reel in profits from advertisers. They just don't trust blogs. And besides, aren't we supposed to be talking about political humor here? Obviously, the situation is that political humor, while funny, will never take off to the point that it will be of serious financial relevance to the entertainment industry. Politics is just not meant to be a funny thing, that's all.

Blogger #666: Shut up, four-eyes.

*Blogger #666 punches Expert in face, breaking his glasses*

Expert: Ow! My glasses!

*Expert runs out of deep underground hideout, sobbing and reaching for his Treo 6,000,000 Smartphone*

Blogger #23: Hey! No one invited you, #666. It's already crowded in here with 665 bloggers; who needs a 666th? And all your posting is irrelevant anyway. If all we bloggers do is sit in our pajamas all day and write about politics, then at least we should write seriously, so we'll eventually get noticed. Right now, we're just starting to become relevant, but if we keep writing irrelevant irrelevancy like your so-called "humor," which is really just a hostile means of expressing your neo-Nazi subconscious mind, we'll never establish a reputation for ourselves!

Blogger #666: Stupid monkey-faced liberal! DIE! So anyway, why wasn't invited, huh!? I think I, as the Internet's premier political humorist, should have been first on the list.

Blogger #542: Um, what-ever! Some of us have lives, you know, and we use our blogs for cool things, like music and gossip and cats, not some boring political crap.

Blogger #543: Ah, but that's the genius of it! I keep writing crap, but people keep coming to hear it and listen to it!

Conspirator #2: Well, all ah gotsta say iz, ah reckon if we don't find a way tuh fix them elections and but quick, we'll all be in a pile o' manure that reeks o' French ig-no-rants and so-shul-izzum.

Chrony #2: I'm all for it, Conspirator #2 - though I must say, you should take a bath and try working on that thick Southern accent you have; it's like I'm coaching Zell Miller all over again - but we can't sink to the level of having dead people vote. Instead, we will rally the voting power of the fatally ill and bedridden!

Chrony #1: But how will they get to the polls, idiot?

*Nerdy Economix Expert returns, looking very wet and with a poorly taped pair of glasses*

Expert: I don't know why I came back after what you did to me --

Blogger #666: Grr...

*Blogger #666 shakes fist*

Expert: -- but, boy, is it wet out there. That reminds me of the time, back in 1936 in my Harvard years...

Blogger #101: Hey, guys, can I talk now?

Blogger #99: Ha, yeah, right. You're nowhere near important enough for me to listen to you, much less read your blog.

*Blogger #99 returns to polishing his jackboots*

Blogger #101: Whatever, puppy-blender. Besides, you let that redneck, Conspirator #2, talk - he's a blogger too, you know, and while I may not be popular as #666, he's so irrelevant that I give him condescending advice all the time. Why'd you not shut him up, huh? Anyway, I'd like to announce my candidacy for presidency in 2008. Clever political chrony #2, you seem like a nice guy. Want to ditch those Republicans and join my independent, blogosphere-led campaign?

Chrony #2: Sure, I'd love to. Those GOP guys sure aren't what they used to be.

Expert: Ahem. After listening to this cacaphony of pathetic attempts at scholarly analysis, I have concluded that you all are prone to much too much infighting to be of any relevance in the real world. Thank you, and goodbye.

Chrony#1: Same goes for me. I'm outta here.

Blogger #99: Well, I have to leave. I'm late for my class where I sabotage, er, inform, the young leaders of tomorrow about how government is bad and blogging is good, except Satanic humor blogging, of course, #666. "Government: bad. Internet: good," I say to them. Got to keep it simple with those law student types. Actually, I don't even know why I showed up for this secret hideout deal. I should have just videoed my big, fat face in; it would have been much more in keeping with my priss, elitist style of blogging.

Blogger #666: Yeah, I should probably go, too. Darn wife wants me to go with her to the shooting range again. And I thought I was gun-crazy.

Chrony #2: Er, in that case, come on, #99, we have lots of planning to do.

Blogger #542: Sigh. Stupid political bloggers. I don't even know why I showed up here; that tunnel we had to crawl through was nasty. I'm never going to a deep underground hideout again! Wah! Bye!

Conspirator #2: Um, yeah, I don't know why I included that in here anyway. This whole thing doesn't make sense.

Bloggers #362 and #363: Post-modern po-mo, including yourself in the story like that. Amen.

Conspirator #1: Well, that's it for me, guys. I have to get back to messing with the space-time continuum to make it look like I've been updating my podcasts as much as I said I would be . . .

Conspirator #3: I'm leaving because you're all not focused enough on the conservative agenda, and that redneck and so-called fellow conspirator, who apparently controls all of what we say, which is scary in and of itself, didn't give me a link.

Blogger #665: That's it, I'm out of here. No one likes being called irrelevant, and no one likes being a minor plot device just to support more pointless devil-linking. Did you see that? Just now! Right when I just said that, Conspirator #2 linked to that 666 guy again! I'm on your side, Conspirator #3.

Bloggers #1-22, 24-98, 100, 102-361, 364-542, and 544-664: WAIT! WE HAVEN'T HAD OUR SAY YET! DON'T LEAVE, EVERYONE! WE'RE FUNNY AND IMPORTANT, TOO!

Conspirator #2: Um... yeah, nodody cares, not even me. And that's surprising, considering how irrelevant I myself am. Maybe we irrelevant bloggers need to band together somehow, form a blogroll or something.

*Bloggers #1-22, 24-98, 100, 102-361, 364-542, and 544-664 leave in a huff, rolling their collective eyes.*

Guess they didn't like that idea. Oh well, I'm just a lone little blogger out in Nowhere-Internet-Land. Nobody likes me. Sniff.

*Everyone but Irrelevant Bloggers #23 and #543 and Conspirator #2 is gone. They stand there, eyeing each other for a while, before the crap-maker speaks.*

Blogger #543: . . . now go to bed!

*Blogger #543 leaves, grinning, thinking he's somehow funny.*

Conspirator #2: Well, I guess it's just you and me. Listen, I'm sorry if I portrayed you inaccurately - I've never really been to your blog, it's just that I hear you're a crazy moonbat who likes to display extreme liberal tendencies and all.

Blogger #23: Ignorant conservative. Ha; you're ignorant and irrelevant. I'm funny.

Conspirator #2: So there you have it, folks. Political humor at its worst best.


So, can you guys guess who each blogger is? I've tried not to make it too obvious.


Please post your thoughts as to how funny this actually is in the comments. If I get some good feedback(if I get any; my total of three commenters on this site so far have been slacking lately), I might put it in Frank J.'s political humor group (even though it turned out to be more an inside-joke fest/blogosphere satire more than political humor, now that I think of it) or the latest Carnival of Comedy.

OK, so for the very few of you who read here, you know that this is primarily a humor blog. But today, for the first time ever in the history of this blog, I have real news to report you, my lesser-mortal reader, real or imaginary though you may be.



You remember the MinuteMen in the immigration war conflict struggle debate discussion? Well, they've got more tricks up their muskets and are not done shooting shots heard 'round the news cycle yet. They've taken a page out of the book of the Israelis and their West Bank fence and decided they want a fence of their own for our U.S.-Mexico border. (Hmm, that's funny: "Why is it not called the Mexico-U.S. border? Is this some type of subtle prejudice against undocumented workers!?" some may ask. If you see anyone call it that instead of the U.S.-Mexico border, they're a liberal media type. Don't trust them about anything ever again. They're probably lying to you, because as we all know, either yer fer big government or yer 'ginst it, and if yer fer it, yer prolly makin' sum conspiracy-type hooplah in the big cities.)

You can read all about their project here. To help, you can, of course, give them money or be a tough guy and volunteer to help construct the fence.

Now, I'm personally ambivalent about fences. I mean, the way I see it, permanently placed gattling guns are a whole lot cheaper in dollar-per-square-foot terms. The site mentions plans of having everyday citizens monitor the fence through web cams. It wouldn't be too hard to see this as eventually developing into a kind of video-game style webcam-based situation where you get your own personal remotely operated machine gun, are hooked up to a live feed on the U.S.-Mexico border, and our nation's border security is reduced to point-and-click efficiency. Man, would that be sweet. And get this: if your mom screams at you to stop playing those video games on the computer, you can say, "But Mom! What I'm doing is vital to national security!" You'll have her there.

I got this story from a NewsMax.com e-mail, by the way. Newsmax is a little weird but pretty interesting.

So, whatever news value was in this story, I don't know. But maybe you can find some other bloggers talking about it (but not those evil MSM scoundrels; don't get your news from them unless it's as a last resort). Obviously, they can't build the fence on public property; they're doing it with the help of private land owners. So, we'll see how many are willing to give up a piece of their desert to protect this great nation of ours.

In the meantime, be blue, squares.

So, I was checking my blog for comments, and I looked over at some random sidebar script that I recently put on there, and it said there was one person online! I was so enthused. Someone was reading my site! They might even comment!

Then I thought for a second. You can probably guess what I realized. There was much sadness and despair.

But if you listen to the Bohemian Rapsody, "nothing really matters!"

Oh well.

Doom.

Be blue, squares.

Whereas the Blue Square is, in fact, the ruler of the universe;

Whereas he does what he wants;

Whereas you all are a bunch of no-good, lying, scheming, nonexistent, pathetic bunch of losers who disgrace the noun "reader";

These are some more of my tenets.




16. Seeing as I've already criticized the government and the culture of America, it is now time to criticize the Church. First of all, it's pretty pathetic, 'cuz it can't even manage a theocracy like those Muslims can. Darn them and their neoimperialism! Some religions just have it all. Secondly, our Christianity book has silly passages like these that I read on occasion:

Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge,
but he who hates correction is stupid.

--Proverbs 12:1

How stupid. I mean, some people, like myself, just don't need any correction. And discipline? Who needs that? Now, unless you fear I'm taking this out of context, go read the whole Bible for yourself. In all of its translations, ever. (Hey, apparently some people think it's untrustworthy or something.) Nowhere in the Bible will you find a single mention of getting 72 virgins, no matter how many times you blow yourself up. No fair! I want a religion that has some side benefits to martyrdom.

17. All podcast music is pointless. We're obviously listening to the podcast for the talking, right? Why have music? That's what songs are for.

Oh, except SarahK on the IMAO podcast (may it rest in peace). She sings purty.

18. It is now time, on this sixth edition of the Tenets of the Order of the Blue Square, to clarify something very important. Often when I tell people, "I write in the newspaper, and I'm a blogger, too," they say, "You? Write in the newspaper? I thought you were conservative! And what's a blogger?"

I try to explain to them that The Free Lance-Star and other papers like the Washington Times, New York Post, Wall Street Journal and such can be as conservative as . . . fair and balanced, but that takes a while. I then try to explain to them the meaning of the word, "blogger."

Occasionally, they think they know the meaning of "blog" and think that "blogger" comes from that word, "blog." They're like, "Oh, that's a web log, right? Kind of like an online diary!" It is then that I have to sigh, smack them on the head with cardboard tubing, and tell them how they've got it all wrong.

You see, the word "blog" actually came from the word, "blogger," not the other way around. Back when blogs were invented, in 1923 or so (only recently have the MSM evil dictators allowed the public to see the greatness that is blogs, but blogs themselves actually been around for quite some time) , all bloggers did was quote a newspaper or television show (once they became invented) and comment on it. They had no news of their own to contribute. This amounted to them only saying "blah, blah, blah," and concluding with a resounding, "grr!"

Occasionally, the Old Media read the blogs that they were suppressing and laughed at them. They came up with nicknames for us. The one that stuck was simple enough: since all we did at first was say "blah" and "grr!", they called us, "blah-grrs." They then changed the name before letting us use the Internet they had created (Al Gore actually did invent the Internet; it's true) to publish so we wouldn't know the original meaning of the word. They created this really convincing story about how "blog" comes from a shortening of "web log." Next thing you know, they'll be saying "television" came from a Greek and Latin combination of the words, "far" and "to see."

Anyway, we bloggers actually won out in the end because by that time, we had stopped droning, "blah, blah, blah," and yelling, "grr!" all the time. We actually had real news to contribute! Yay!

Oh, and that's why I haven't been around in the blogosphere a while, too. My thoughts are so heretical that it's taken quite some time for those pathetic MSM types who control everything to let me say what I want.



Man, I haven't done these in a while. The good news is, all my APs are over, and doom doom doom all I have left to do is one crappy project, but what makes it all better is the fact that I get to make fun of liberal newspapers in said project. Maybe after I'm done with that will I be able to do cool stuff like design my personalized template and add categories such as these tenets (I'll need a domain name and a publisher to do that).

Ah, there's nothing like the feeling of not studying that hard anyway and then finally getting it all over with. I doubt that I'll ever become a mad physisist, or a mad physicist, for that matter, but I remember reading a Christian physicist's blog a while back that was pretty cool. Man, I really should bookmark these things.

As you can see, the blue square is obviously falling down the slippery slope of quickly turning his blog from pointless nonsense about the world into pointless nonsense about my life, which is really much worse. At least with pointless nonsense about the world, you can relate to it. I think that's the success story of Frank J., anyway.

Alright, so pointless nonsense about the world it is. Hmm, that fits with my life, actually: tomorrow is the AP Comparative Government& Politics exam, and I'm taking it! Hooray! Finally, an AP exam I can be excited about. Let's do a review of the material together.

Intro: Comparative Government is where we compare our democracy to everybody else's pathetic attempts at it or lack thereof. Recent additions to the test are the concepts of globalization and democratization.

Globalization is where we take things like McDonald's and Wal-mart and spread them everywhere! Milton Friedman in his The Lexus & The Olive Tree also likes to use what he calls the "Golden Straightjacket." Actually, I learned about that in Human Geography, but it's cool, so I'll tell you about it. Basically, to succeed economically, a country has to be just like us! Free markets are so cool.

Democratization is where we, along with other countries and international organizations pretty much just Britain and Australia, say, "hey, you guys. Don't give us that 'our version of democracy' crap. You give your citizens liberty or we'll give you death!" They whine and complain, and it gets complicated after that.

Then there's the six countries we'll be looking at. Here are the brief summaries of the synopses of the general outlines of the abridged versions of the chapters that I only half-read.

Britain: really old. Pretty much similar to us, except they still have a monarchy. Silly Brits; what's with them, anyway. Oh well; Tony Blair's alright.

China: Recently stablished SEZs, or "Special Economic Zones," where they allow foreign investment. SEZs are pretty much everywhere where investors want to invest. They still don't like dissent, though. Bad Chinese, very bad.

Russia: Remember the Cold War? This is the extremely watered-down version of the USSR. Yup, Russia used to be so cool, but not anymore! :-D Here are a couple of funnies from my Comp. Gov't textbook by Charles Hauss.

In the 1920s, there were these things called purges... I don't remember much about them except evil people did them against nice people. Here's a convo from back then with two prisoners in the Russian prisons.

Prisoner One: What's your sentence?

Prisoner Two: Twenty-five years.

Prisoner One: What for?

Prisoner Two: Nothing.

Prisoner One: Don't lie. You only get five years for nothing in our country.

The next one's from the Economist. Hauss quotes their story about suggestions taken for new acronyms to replace the old USSR. Among the winners were:

RELICS--Republics Left in Total Chaos

PITS--Post-Imperial Total Shambles

COMA--Confederation of Mutual Antagonism (its people would be called Commies)

UFFR--Union of Fewer and Fewer Republics

I normally like my own funnies, since just posting other people's is lame, but these ones weren't on the Internet, and that's where everyone is nowadays. Except my sister; she still reads the comics on Sunday. Heh. But yeah, besides her, pretty much everyone I know reads IMAO daily, visits comics.com every once in a while, and that's about it.

Okay, let's get back on topic. (Hey, there actually is one this time!)

Nigeria: Goes back and forth between military dictatorships and lame excuses for republican administrations. Has about 40% Christians, 50% Muslims, and 10% other. Weird, huh? Those Britains sure did divide thingss up funny.

DOOM!

Iran: We've all heard about this one. Just go to Strategy Page and stuff. Basically, Muslims run the place, and it's pretty bad, 'cuz they're angry. We might have to bomb them soon.

Mexico: Recently rising up from its economic woes, Mexico has become a newly industrialied nation that is becoming more and more . . . OK, OK, I can't fool you. The place is a mess, and the new president, even though he's not from the PRI, the old party, is not much better.

Now, for this exam, should I just answer the multiple choice and write my free-response answers based on what I've written here and/or whatever pops into my head at the time, or should I actually study tonight?

For all of my readers, both real and imaginary, please post your thoughts on how I should handle my last AP test in the comments.

By the way, does anyone know how to do extended entries in Blogger? You know, the "Click to Read More" thing.

Somehow, the words "wasting time," "lack of preparedness," and "procrastination" just don't cover it. Anyone who has ever crammed for a test in their lives will appreciate this IM conversation between the blue square and his friend, who will remain anonymous.

the blue square: DOOM
the blue square: DOOM
the blue square: DOOM
my friend: DEATH DEATH DEATH
friend: DESTRUCTION
friend: PAIN
friend: FIRE
the blue square: AGONY
the blue square: TORTURE
friend: AHHHHHHHHHHH
friend: glad we agree on this
the blue square: me too.

Now that I've said that, it's time to get back to studying for the Physics AP.

I'm blue in the face right now,
but I'm definitely not square.
Squares are prepared.
I, however have dared
to not study, and instead
write a crappy poem
that rivals Laurence Simon
and all his crappiness.
Hey, look, I've stopped rhyming
But I still have some timing
Now I'm rhyming again
Oh forget it.

I might join The Alliance of Free Blogs sometime in the future, but before I do that, I need to polish up on my Glenn Reynolds-bashing and finish high school/AP tests/other crap.

So, Glenn wants us all to download his podcasts on iTunes, because it gets him publicity. Think about that for a second. Glenn, needing more publicity? I think not. I mean, the guy bought a separate URL just so he could make it easier for himself to link incessantly to his teensy-weensy little book that reads like an extended Instapundit post (rare though they are) and includes some rather random things about anti-aging that really has very little to do with beer-brewing, what I thought was the most interesting part in the book, what with it being the introduction and me being a hick and all.

And anyway, subscribing to it on iTunes is stupid and a waste of time, since anyone who wants to listen to it on a portable player that is not an iPod has to figure out some way of decoding the .m4a into a playable .mp3 file. Grr! I would have written Glenn telling him how giving him unwarranted publicity only results in more computer frustrations for me, but he never responds to reader e-mails anyway, that elitist.

*looks at title*

Well, one out of two ain't bad. Er . . . I guess that depends on what you call "short."

So the Texas Rangers did a silly thing and changed their name on their uniforms to "Los Rangers" for Cinco de Mayo. For one thing, that's just stupid, because most Texans don't like illegal immigrants (pointing out the obvious is what we bloggers do), and for another thing, the players aren't Hispanic as far as I know, so what should they care about Cinco de Mayo?

Regardless, it offered up a very amusing opportunity of which the Holy Coast took advantage: "Just for last night's game, stolen bases were known as "undocumented bases", and no one was allowed to be thrown out."

So, probably not much blogging this weekend because some teenager peers of mine don't know what they're doing and make me, their self-appointed group leader, do all the work for them. Not that any of my few real readers would care, but maybe some of the imaginary ones will.

Until next time, be blue, squares.

I have learned in Comparative Government that due to some Confucian teachings that encourage deference to authority, Chinese citizens( except a few brave bloggers like Hao Wu or, as Tammy Bruce likes to point out, religious cults like Falun Gong that abuse women and children) have a tendency to not challenge their "betters" as we obnoxious Americans do. I won't go into an in-depth social analysis on that issue but will instead merely present you with something much funnier:

BEIJING (Reuters) - Some Chinese tourists have been warned that while spitting, slurping food and cutting in line may merely disgust people at home, they are sometimes not tolerated abroad, Xinhua news agency said Friday.

The increasing number of Chinese tourists traveling abroad may be a huge new source of income to destination countries, but that won't prevent complaints against individuals from reflecting badly on all of China, Xinhua said.

"The media in Singapore reports that hotel staff are upset with Chinese tourists spitting in their rooms and smoking in bed," it said.

Emphasis mine. Notice the distinction between "disgusting" and "not tolerated." Ah, Reuters.

So what, do they just spit everywhere? On the floor and stuff? Ew. How uncivilized. Don't they know what sinks are for? It's like someone needs to run a headline like, "Sinks: Not Just For Hand-Washing Any More!"

Furthermore, it's not as though we American rednecks do anything of the kind. No, we may like getting so drunk our eyeballs roll to the back of our collectively empty heads and watching half-naked women parade themselves for cash they desperately need, but spitting? Nope. We're high-class.

Okay, so we spit too. But only because it's dusty in the West, and only outdoors.


I got that from Reuters Oddly Enough, which is sometimes funny, sometimes seems like nearly regular, boring straight news, and is usually based out of Berlin for some reason. I have it pop up occasionaly in my Gmail account on the RSS feed line. It's entertaining at times.

that I'm an idiot.

A total number of two actual readers have commented on my blog so far, but I had the comment moderation thing turned on and hadn't been checking it. I turned it off; I can always delete stupid comments after they're posted - which would not be fair, since most of my posts are stupid, but this is the Order of the Blue Square, not America. Think Russia's capital but more blue, less red (keep the square). Hmm, I'll have to make that into one of my tenets.

Also, I'm having trouble publishing. Blogspot's just refreshing itself and saying "0% of files published." Grr.

Also, a grammarian nitpick note: the little sign that keeps popping up says something like, "This may take a few minutes, if you have a large blog." GAAAH! It's either "This may take a few minutes if you have a large blog" or "if you have a large blog, this may take a few minutes." At least, that's the American way of doing things. In Britain they mix up their "er"s to "re"s, put "u"s where they don't belong, and have strange commas.

UPDATE: It's the school server. Most of the time, it's reliable, but meh.

MORE: Okay, other people aren't having trouble with their Internet connection. Strangeness. I wouldn't be surprised if they had just now blocked the link to Blogspot because of the time I spend on here. Those Nazis. Hmm, I feel like a rebel hippie now; strange feeling.

Due to the lack of real traffic on this blog lately, I will now be making fun of Glenn Reynolds. That's sure to get me traffic as making fun of Michelle Malkin isn't good enough. But perhaps the blogosphere isn't like the gangsta rap world, wherein talkin' smack 'bout da foo's gets you publicity. In any case, I think the below is pretty hilarious without commentary and by itself but with my commentary somehow loses its funniness. But what I do here is only meant to be funny to me, since I'm the only real reader who reads this blog, so here I go.

MORE ON COFFEEMAKERS: My earlier coffeemaker post generated
so much email that it's taken me this long to digest it.
The bottom line is that there's a huge market opportunity here for someone, as lots of people are unhappy with their coffeemakers. The major problems are the ones I described: Flimsy construction even in the expensive ones, carafes that dribble -- what's with that, anyway? -- poor temperature control, and various annoying "features" that get in the way of the basic task.

Poor Glenn. His coffeemaker drips. His caffeine fix isn't hot when he wants it to be. His coffeemaker manual is too confusing for his simple-minded libertarian mind. Next thing you know, he'll be arguing about the poor quality of puppy blenders in the world today. Not that he blends puppies. For some reason, I think Frank J. is lying about that. But no matter.

Yes, Glenn Reynolds actually thinks there's someone out there who is stupid enough to try to make a better coffeemaker. It's like mousetraps; it's impossible. Now, I don't drink coffee, but as I see it, we're all doomed anyway (Tenet 1) and coffee is lamer than sodas like Mountain Dew, which KJ-52 and I drink regularly. So poo-poo, wah-wah right back to all you Starbucks addicts. Coffee is irrelevant; Coca-Cola and Pepsi products come in bottles, and you don't need sodamakers for those.

See? I told you I could make something funny into something very unfunny and lame just with my commentary. My other powers include making people poke or punch me incessantly in the Blue Square area of my T-shirt and blogging massive amounts of vital information to imaginary readers. Have a nice life. Don't come here again; it will just be more of the same.

Michelle Malkin on Hot Air is good at discussing politics and such, and when she's not just reciting political information but actually showing video clips and interviewing people, it's great video for free, but she's no Frank J. in the humor department.

Take, for example, this episode. Cheat River - okay, yeah, that's funny, but . . . whitewater . . . come on. Some of her cracks on her blog are funny, but she really needs to work on her delivery when she's on video.

So, I doubt SarahK will be getting after me, so that's one nice thing about having no blog readers that exist in this three-dimensional world of ours.

Oh, and by the way, I heard that imaginary numbers are actually used in complex electrical something-or-others . . . or maybe that was just series and sequences, which I, as a general fan of calculus, usually abhor. But if the first is true, then that means that there's evidence to support my theory that I have imaginary readers of untold numbers that are clicking on blogs popular with real readers that I link to from time to time. I mean, come on, it's one small leap in logic to go from electricity to the Internet. Glenn and Frank should be thanking me daily for all the imaginary traffic they get from my linking. The something-or-other "ecosystem" (I don't like long acronyms; they're hard to remember. Neither does Rumsfeld, by the way) that supports the heretical deification of bloggers needs to realize this and praise my efforts to get all blog readers recognized in their charts.

That's all I have for now. I still have two APs to study for. Hmm, here's a funny: I once thought that AP stood for "Advanced People" tests. Yes, I was a naive young one. I now realize, of course, that it actually stands for "Associated Poopheads." As you can see, I've matured much over the years.

Question: Why does Adobe Acrobat Reader have all these patent numbers on its loading screen? Nobody else does. I though that was what the Help>About section was for. Strange .pdf people, I tell ya. By the way . . .

Question: What does .pdf stand for anyway, hmm? There's a secret conspiracy here somewhere. And you're finding out about it here! Yay! Doom. Etc. Oh shoot, today's Wednesday. Dangit.

Question: Why does some hilarious idiotic idiot like Frank J. get popular over several years of effort when an unfunny incessantly amusing guy like me slack off on his humor blog for under a month and not get anywhere? That's seriously wrong.

Question: Why do predictable shows like Alias and 24 get such high ratings when much more thoughtful television programs like Stargate go unnoticed? I don't mean predictable in the sense that you know what's going to happen; I mean predictable in the sense that the themes are predictable. Cool tech; relationships being a liability; mistrust of everyone, their mother, and whoever else exists (they haven't mention the loads of imaginary people that visit this site, though - hmm); and other general nonsense that has nothing to do with wars are fought.

that overanalysis is good for the brain.

I'll be around later but have soccer and AP tests and other stuff you don't want to read about - hey, even imaginary readers (Tenet 9) don't like to waste their time. (I figure that one day, someone real will come here and read this blog and want to know where the imaginary readers thing came from. I like to be prepared, even though I was never in Boy Scouts. Those God-loving, decent, hardworking people! May the Supreme Court damn them all! Hmm, I think I'm off-topic in a set of parentheses; that's a new one.)

So, yeah, be blue, squares.

So Captain Ed over at Captain's Quarters along with some other cool bloggers have started this 101st Fighting Keyboardists thing. Their logo is pretty cool, et cetera, et cetera. Yes, I know, these guys are cool, and I'm not. But anyway, over at an IMAO post, somebody suggested we get a real theme song instead of this lame one. So I thought for 20 minutes, contemplated the nature of the universe, and came up with this slightly-less-lame one.

The Battle Hymn of the 101st Fighting Keyboardists (a humble suggestion)

When a blogger is a soldier
And a keyboard is a gun,
When media turns we-dia,
It’s lots and lots of fun!
The Times is going crazy
But we keep them in check,
The journalists are lazy,
So we’ll beat ‘em with our tech!

Chorus:

Whe’r sittin’ in our basements
Or on the front lines,
We’re doin’ all we can
To stop left-wing whines!
We don’t like cowards,
Or even scaredy-cats,
So that’s why we eat lots of
Chicken, mice and rats!

We’re the hundred-and-first
Fighting Keyboardists!
We’re the hundred-and-first
Fighting Keyboardists!

Our mascot is the chickenhawk,
It’s what the haters called us
(They’re very, very loud),
But in all their hating fuss,
They never seem to stop and think
How their freedom is allowed.
But really, we don’t mind the name;
We’re really rather proud!

Chorus

We eat chickens for lunch
And yellow rats for dinner,
Blog away your ranting
And you’re an instant winner!
So join us today,
And fight the good fight,
Use your brain to win this war
With all your blogging might!



So . . . yeah. Sorry to disgrace the honorable Keyboardists' name. (By the way, I haven't joined the keyboardists because I'm 17 and am going into politics/journalism and not the military when I have been asked to do so by the recruiters. I feel kind of bad for it; those recruiters are good at making you feel guilty . . . I don't know, maybe I should join the Keyboardists. Or the military. Or both. I'll think about it.)

Any comments from real readers, not imaginary ones (Tenet 9) are appreciated.

Whereas the Blue Square is, in fact, the ruler of the universe;

Whereas he does what he wants;

Whereas you all are a bunch of no-good, lying, scheming, nonexistent, pathetic bunch of losers who disgrace the noun "reader";

These are some more of my tenets.


13. The number "13" has no particularly bad denotation for your life. All real numbers, just like everything else in the world, yes, are doomed, but that does not mean that Friday the 13th is an extra-bad-luck day for you. It's just like how my horoscope sign is Cancer - it doesn't mean I'm going to suddenly lose all my hair and keel over one day, does it?

13.b. And a "baker's dozen" doesn't make sense, either. Seriously, a 3 x 4 pan works great, but how in the world do they expect to efficiently make 13 cookies or whatever else they're making? It's just ridiculous.

14. These tenets are not to interfere with the productivity level of the blue square. Ha, just kidding: of course they are.

15. Glenn Reynolds actually provides an excellent service to America and the world. It is Tom of MySpace that blends puppies and uses the juice to seduce otherwise chaste teenage females into his dens of sluttiness and debauchery.


So! Today is May 1st. Forget your lame Mexican pride; instead notice the more important event that is occuring today. That event is . . . my archives will, as of this posting, have more than one month listed on them!

Wow, okay, sorry. That is even lamer than Cinco de Mayo. And that's pretty lame. Boy. If I didn't have any imaginary readers (Tenet 9) who imaginarily complimented me for my imaginary excellent work, I'd kill myself or something. Just kidding; I wouldn't kill myself. I'd kill somebody stupider than me instead. It would kind of be like the reverse quest of Socrates trying to find someone wiser than he; I would try to find someone more foolish. At the end, I would probably give up, but by that time, since there are 6,000,000,000 people in the world, after all, I would have lived a long, blue, squarish life.